i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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