Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
