I am midnight drunk by noon
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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