btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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