i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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