Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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