Tell her she can't have a vagina
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Randomize
