Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
