I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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