I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
