no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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