All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
