It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
