I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
