good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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