he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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