I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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