new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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