Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
