He uses pillows to masturbate.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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