Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
