Screwed.edu
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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