On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
