Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
