a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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