alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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