his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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