I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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