Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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