I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
