Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
