My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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