Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
