I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
