I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
