i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
is wine microwaveable?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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