3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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