3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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