she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
