After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
