I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
