How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
All I want is dick and wine.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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