what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize