i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
