Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
