Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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