my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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