You're so nebulous sometimes
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
