babies were throwing up all over the place
im holly from the hills drunk
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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