drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
