Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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