I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
