the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
