Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
