Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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