Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
