i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
