The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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