I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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