Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
