hotel room ftw
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
