I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I pour the whiskey from now on
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
