I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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