I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
