I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
