I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
