if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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