matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
