all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
